When we started this journey I was totally at peace with the fact that I would never have another "newborn" in my house for me to raise again. I knew when Mikayla came home that my "baby time" would be very limited and would go by fast...that we had missed so much. I was OK with this...I thought I was at least.
Now that Mikayla has turned one and is very much not an infant...I find myself longing for that newborn again. Maybe all these thoughts are being rehashed since my one of my best friends just gave birth to the most amazing and beautiful little boy whom she and her husband named Beckett. When I am out and about I am finding myself drawn to those infant carriers again making myself in a position in which I am able to "peer" inside and steal a quick glance at the baby. Is this feeling ever going to go away? And is it coming to light now that I know my baby isn't a baby at all anymore?
What is it with the whole baby thing anyway? And why do I still feel unsatisfied??? My life is crazy, about to get MORE crazy this fall when I head back to school to finish my degree, and I honestly don't see HOW a baby would ever even FIT into our future at this point. We had already planned years ago that we would be well done with having children at this point in our lives. My mom is reading this thinking I am insane because she is the first one I call when I am having a less then easy day around here. But I can't help it...I feel like I want another child. Maybe it's because I know I CAN'T have another child. Financially there is no way possible for us to adopt again. Period. But this little notion buried deep inside me is wondering if maybe, just maybe, I COULD get pregnant again. Oh why am I even LETTING myself think these thoughts!? Isn't the craziness around here enough for me? What am I THINKING!? I can't help it though, nor can I deny that this feeling is truly "there."
Kris and I don't talk openly very much as to why we could not have anymore children, although I know that some of you do KNOW the reason why. All I will say about it on a blog as public as this one is, is that the chance for us to have more children could be possible. I don't even know WHY I am writing about this...I don't. I guess I need to know I am not alone in feeling the way that I feel. And I think part of it is the finality of me going back to school in the fall, therefore eliminating the prospects of parenthood again. I cannot go to school and have a baby. I can't. I have to do my student teaching and a baby just doesn't fit too well with that plan. I am not even keen on leaving Mikayla with a sitter starting next fall. I have been a SAHM since Alec was one and was pretty much a SAHM before that anyway. I want to be home with my children as long as possible. I made it with Alec all the way until he starts school and with Mikayla....she will be 2 by the time she has to have a full-time sitter. But I have to graduate and start working in my field.
OK...I feel better just writing about it. Just getting it out. WHEW. I need to take a deep breath and go clean the crumbs, toys, bottles, and everything else that goes along with children right now.
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10 comments:
I'm right there with you!! I have baby fever right now pretty bad. I don't think we are ever going to get PG (don't know for sure - never been tested) and we aren't ready to start another adoption right now.
I just keep praying about it.
Oh boy. I don't know what to say except that I am sure it is really, really difficult to watch your 'baby' grow up. I am the youngest of 4 kids and everyone in my family still calls me the 'baby'. It's not just you...my mom always laments that she didn't have 2 more kids after me...I think it's completely normal when the youngest gets older to want more kids no matter how many you have. I am praying for peace to cover you as you head back to school and wrestle through all of these hard thoughts. Hugs!
Mindy,
I've so completely been in your shoes. Garrett was home 3 weeks when we got Elena's referral. Then she came home and it hit me that I just don't think that our family is finished. Like you, I don't think I could sanely handle another child right now. I want to get back into the classroom and another baby would make that virtually impossible. Chris and I were not able to have bio babies for whatever reason (duh, 'cause our babies were waiting for us in GC), and yet I just ... um, yeah. Lots of my friends are having babies and so the questions have started about whether Chris and I will try to have one when he comes home or if we are going to adopt again. As I field those questions there is a little voice in the back of my mind that says our next child is older and won't be ready for us for several more years, yet is out there waiting. We'll see if that dream actually happens. You are not alone. I'll be struggling with this with you.
~Beckie
Before I found out I was pregnant I was right there too. I was so ready to start the process again. My husband says financialy we aren't even ready for this baby, but even pregnant I know this isn't our last child. I feel we are suppose to be a family of 5. So who knows, only God and His timing always seems to be perfect, just trust it. You will know when the timing is right.
Mindy,
I think every mother struggles with these thoughts. I get these feelings right after I've seen or held another newborn!
We want another one, but the timing isn't right and sometimes I wonder if God only wants us to have Haylee. Not sure what his calling is on this right now. It's kind of foggy in my mind and so I just put it on the back burner, so to speak.
I can totally understand where you are coming from. At least you have a somewhat BABY still - Mikayla. I don't even have that and I see all of these other families with multiple children and here's little Haylee, playing with her lonesome self & making up imaginary friends, saying to me "Mommy when am I going to have a brother?". It's heart wrenching. I don't HAVE an answer for her. :( I get sad.
I think as a mother, we don't really want our BABIES to grow up (the men on the other hand, want them to grow up fast I think, LOL!). I think it's natural to always want to nuture, God created that skill in us as women. Ya know?
Maybe for now, you should get a puppy. :) It sounds silly, but really! At least you can leave it at home while you go back to the classroom! And a puppy is just like a child, only a little less maintenence. ;)
Anyway, I'll be praying for you and your thoughts on this...I know it can be tough!
Hugs to you my friend,
Mel ♥
I know how you feel. We are like Mel and only have one Madeline. We have been trying for another one for two long years and I have had three miscarriages. I have brought up the subject of adoption with my husband but he is not very open on that and it makes me sad. I am not sure if Madeline is all for us and I struggle to accept it may be. It has hit me more and more realizing my baby right now starts school in September. I like others just keep praying that what is meant to be will be. Just wanted to say you are not alone.
Monique
2002 Mom's
I love your blog, but I can truley say that I can't relate to this new update you have. Your children are beautiful- treasure them- you only get one chance at this, and you won't want to miss it dreaming about what you could have, you should enjoy what you have. You are such a nice looking family.
Hi Mindy,
Well I TOTALLY know how you feel. So much so that Rob and I are embarking into the land of IVF. We have been doing testing since March and I started my shots a week ago. My insurance covers 90% of it so we decided its now or never. Our families are nervously excited for us. Emphasis on the nervous. The other day I saw a four month old and looked at Gabby and she looked SO big. It is sad huh that they are growing up. I think starting the fertility road again is easier for us knowing we will always be a family of three no matter what. The treatments are such a gamble. Follow your heart Mindy and let the Lord do the rest.
P.S. I also totally understand leaving Mikayla with a sitter. Going back to work after having three months off was the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I think I cried EVERY night the first week I went back. I miss Gabby terribly.
To anonymous~
Thank you for stopping by blog...and for your kind comments. I just wanted to make one thing clear that obviously is NOT clear in my post. I do cherish every single moment I have with my children and I never, ever waste the day away thinking about what I could have that I don't have. My children are my WORLD and I thank God for them every single day. It's just when you get married and have plans infertility is never one of them...and we always wanted a family of three. I love children and big familes...I never had that growing up being that I was an only child. So I vowed at a young age to have around three children so that my children wouldn't feel the lonliness that I sometimes feel. It's good that you called me out though because I really do need to let it go. It's just difficult sometimes when things don't end up the way you originally planned. Letting go of your dreams is no easy task and this one has been particularly difficult for me. But that's OK. I thought twice about even posting this post but I did...primarilly because I won't censor my feelings on my blog and I never have:-) I just wanted to say that.
But anyway...thank you for thinking we are a beautiful family..I am so proud of my children and my husband. And we are truly very, very blessed.
I wish I didn't understand your post either....but I do....*sigh*. I love my kids too...all 4...but there is something about a newborn. Only 1 of my 4 came in that little. And I miss it. I actually MISSED it the first time since I was working. I pull out the little tiny onesies, and I want a little tiny baby to go with it. I can't tell you yet if that desire ever goes away.....but if you figure it out before me, be sure to let me in on the secret to get past it. :)
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