The last time we went away...

...was last year at Christmas time. My birthday is December 12th and every year since we were married we have gone to Easton in Columbus for my birthday for a weekend. This year we are doing it early because this is the best time for my mom and dad to watch the kids. We checked in to the hotel, and headed over to Easton. Easton is an amazing outdoor shopping mall. It's like a small village...cobblestone streets, all the stores enter from the outside. There are Christmas carolers, beautiful decorations, and usually snow. It is an amazing place and we love to go. But last year, it was not the same. Last year, Mikayla was in Guatemala. Last year, our lives were a little empty. I was sick with stress over PGN. It has been 7 weeks since our resubmit to PGN. We were "still in" according to our last update but our agency was on vacation until the first of the year, as was our attorney. There would be no news until the first of the year. No news. Silence for 2.5 long weeks when we were sitting on the cusp of our OUT call. Or, possibly, as I fretted, another kick out. We went to Build A Bear to stuff our annual animal for Alec and this year, we bought one more, for the baby girl who wasn't home yet, who would celebrate Christmas thousands of miles away while her mom and dad wondered if and when she would ever come home. We went to dinner that night at Logans Steak House. This is where we always go, traditions for Kris and I die hard. We were leaving and I knew I would be sick. Kris drove back to the hotel as fast as he could. I got to the room and "lost" everything. I was "sick" all night. Not because I ate something wrong, not because I had the flu, but because I was sick with the stress of our adoption. It was the all-time low for me in the process. The "not knowing" and the questions from all our family if we had any news had gotten to me. I was a mess. Kris ran out and bought me ginger ale and crackers. He has since told me my eyes were empty that trip. Empty. My daughter wouldn't be home for Christmas and not only that...we didn't know when we would get that call.

My stomach feels sick just remembering that weekend...the last time that Kris I went away for a night without kids. It was the last time because 2 short weeks after that all-time low, we got that phone call. Mikayla was coming home and ever since that call...life has been busy. But I don't forget what it's like to not know what tomorrow holds. To wonder when you will hold your child. To be filled to the top with anxiety. I know what it feels like and you never, ever forget. Never. The agony of the process may fade when the children come home, but it is never forgotten. And it is a bond that those of us who have adopted will always have with each other. So please, for those of you at the breaking point never forget that we, too, have been in your shoes. We, too, have felt the very same way. And all of us are here for you. I know there are so many of you having a hard time right now, especially with the uncertainty of adoptions in Guatemala and what will happen after January 1st. Please know we are all here for you. Adoption has brought so many of us together and we will stay united until the last child comes home. Until ALL the children are home....